Not quite in the classic category but it was the very first MBP article and deserves a comfortable retirement.

What Homeland Security?

The reason that the airline industry has taken so long to recover isn't because of high prices or even fear of flying left over from 9/11. The real reason is that it's next to impossible to travel without hauling along a supply of soiled underwear.

Think about it. It's the height of insecurity. The Patriot Act, whether or not you agree with the need for it, has ushered a world of perverts into your suit cases, and terrorist threat or no you can't get comfortable with that.

It's worse than the proverbial car crash and far more certain. You remember when your mother, granny, Aunt Matilda warned you about that. Well it's beyond anything they ever imagined. There's that sense of violation from having your personal space invaded by strangers, that feeling of being watched, the outrage at being treated like the enemy, the gnawing fear that your country doesn't trust you anymore (You have of course, forgotten that the IRS never did.).

Researchers at the Paranormal Institute for Paranoiac Investigation have identified this as Post Luggage Invasion Distress Syndrome (PLIDS).

It may help to know your not alone. PLIDS is very common especially among business travelers. After all, you're a primary target. You could be trafficing in embargoed video game technology or laundered money. You could have a heavily armed terrorist midget in your suit case.

But, what can you do about PLIDS? There are the obvious solutions. You can acquire disposable underwear from the travel catalogs at exorbitant prices. But your boss wont approve the expense and it will never fly (You should pardon the pun.) on your 2106. You can pack your unmentionables in clear plastic containers but the real perverts WILL open the bags. You can quit your six figure job at Global MegaTech and hire on at the local InfinityMart for minimum wage. This of course has its own set of issues, not the least of which is having to reintegrate into the nuclear family.

"I'm sorry officer but I was referring to my immediate relatives not a thermo-nuclear device. Thank you sir. No sir it's spelled correctly. Yes, I know how George says it. Right. Rest assured that it wont happen again, sir."

"Whew! Close one that."

Were was I? Oh yes. The good news is that while there is no cure for PLIDS within our immediate grasp it can be managed. Working on the theory that knowledge and planning empower their beneficiaries the institute has identified a process by which you can prepare yourself for luggage invasion and therefore blunt the effects of PLIDS

The idea is to prepare yourself as thoroughly as possible for the moment when you are reunited with your luggage. During the flight stick with decafe. If the sun is over the yard arm have a drink. The mellower you are the easier this will be.

Take your time getting to baggage claim. Your bags will never beat you there anyway and the wait is aggravating. Under your breath (We don't want to alert Them.) hum snatches of Be Prepared the Boy Scout's marching song.

When you finally lay hands on your luggage expect these tell-tale signs of invasion: broken locks or zippers, clothing sticking out of various unclosed compartments and best of all the little holographic sticker on your airport luggage tag like the one to the left. This sticker from the Transportation Safety Administration bares the legend Cleared and a number that looks like FLL 430nnnn. I was curious. What did it all mean?

The final proof that your luggage has been violated is the NOTICE OF BAGGAGE INSPECTION. You can see a sample of it just to the right.

The NOTICE includes a litany of the indignities that have been performed on your bag, a brief notification that the damage resulting from the B&E is not the government's problem and a reference to a web site where you road warriors can learn to pack better.

It's called a disclaimer. In English it means, forget it, you're screwed. Besides, a real patriot wouldn't make a scene.

Way down at the bottom is the current TSA motto, Smart Security Saves Time. Rumor has it that the sentimental favorite was, "Uncle Sugar Wants You're Dirty Laundry." But alas it was too crude and way, way, too close to the truth.

And so, we got Smart Security Saves Time. It's perfect. It's sterile and it doesn't mean anything.

I leave you with this inspirational message. While PLIDS can be managed, a cure would be infinitely better. A cure for PLIDS depends almost entirely on a cure for terrorism, a cure which continues to lurk somewhere beyond the horizon. It is said that, "Eternal vigilance is the price of freedom." Less often stated is that the vigilant must stand against those who would save us as well as those who would destroy us.

Fellow PLIDS sufferers you need to remember that whether or not the cure is finally found there will come a time in the not too distant future when the only remaining beneficiaries of the Patriot Act will be the bureaucrats and the perverts. Don't let's go overboard.