Let me say for the record that your instincts have not failed you. In any normal circumstance a discussion that begins with any approximation of, "How is it that women?" should be avoided like the plague. You'll just have to take my word for it, this is a horse of a different color. This is not one of the nuclear options. It's way down the radioactivity scale from say, "Honey, does this dress make me look fat?" There are even safe, right, answers for the quiz questions.

So. How is it that women become so enamored of foods that taste like a color rather than a flavor. Don't give me that dumbfounded look. You know exactly what I'm talking about. Green. That's the color. And the foods, in alphabetical order, are Asparagus and Avocado. There are others but these are today's featured attractions.

It's not that I can't stand asparagas. In fact, it's become nearly palatable since they learned how to debone it properly. But in order to make it taste like anything other than fat grass (from the Minoan Supergos) requires the services of a whole lot of amish butter and/or hollandaise sauce.

But here's the astounding part. "Honey? How would you like asparagas for diner?" ,is not a trick question. Regardless of how often it's asked it's a genuine request for information. There's no ego wrapped up in it. She just hopes you've come to your senses. This of course provides you with an opportunity. You can be completely honest with no repercussions or you can say, "Yes love I think I'd enjoy that." ,and pile up some points. You might as well take the coward's way out because you are going to eat the asparagas. Once it's prepared and placed on the table (and it will be) you abandon the benign neighborhood of requests for information and enter the seismic territory of, "Please act your age in front of the children (the guests, your parents, my parents etc. etc. etc.)."

Guess what I just had,,,,,,, for lunch yet?

The question, "Wanna share an avocado?" ,has a correct answer also. The answer is, "No thanks honey. You enjoy them so much that I can't deprive you of the treat. No, no, I insist, you eat it." If you've delivered this with the optimum degree of sincerity it may be worth half a million points and you have avoided the Green Stuff. This works because she really wants the whole thing to herself anyway.

"But I like that dip with the taco chips." Give me a break! You're the dip with the taco chips. Do you have any idea what it takes to change an avocado into Guacamole? This is the minimum:

1 onion, finely chopped
2 green chili peppers, finely chopped
1 tomato, finely chopped
lemon juice
salt
ground pepper
ascorbic acid

Moosh that all together with 2 cut up avocados and you have guacamole and it tastes moderately un-Green. Big deal.

So. We have posed what turned out to be a rhetorical question and we have had a valuable educational experience in spite of ourselves. While we haven't answered the primary question we have gained valuable insight into the non-hostile nature of Green Stuff questions. We have explored the proper responses to these questions and we have piled up a king's ransom in POINTS. All that's left to do is put the points to good use.

Points are good for all sorts of dispensations. You get to watch tv shows that nobody else likes, uninterrupted. You get to eat stuff that tastes like a flavor without being nagged about calleries and cholestoral. In other words, you get to be yourself for awhile. Let's spend some points.

First, pick a tv event you want to enjoy: NASCAR, NFL, MLB, your choice. Next, schedule your wife for a trip to the outlet mall. If you can find some friends to go with her, so much the better. Finally, acquire the following list of ingredients. You're going to make Dr. Mick's Quick and Dirty Baked Beans from the internationaly ignored masterwork Tin Can Cuisine. Seriously, you can do this. It's designed for guys who have never cooked before and you know you'll never get 'em any other way.

Beer

at least two six-packs I'd say. Caution, if the label on your beer includes ANY version of the word light cease reading immediately and go to another web site. It's like hitting bankrupt on Wheel of Fortune. You've just squandered all your points.

Did you pass the beer test? Here's the rest of the list:

1 loaf Rye or Pumpernickle bread, sliced thick,
1 stick of real Butter, room temperature,
1 (Two if you insist) All beef Hot Dog, sliced thin,
1/2 of a medium yellow Onion, coarsely chopped,
1/2 half of a medium green Bell Pepper, chopped medium,
1/2 stalk of Celery, chopped fine,
1 #10 can, Campbells Pork & Beans, open,
1 box dark Brown Sugar,
1 bottle/jar each Chili Sauce,
prepared yellow Mustard,
Worchestershire Sauce,
Tabasco Sauce.

I'd like to point out at this time that, including the beer I have just listed 13 ingredients, no single one of which tastes like a color. Now I'm getting hungry so let's move on with some dispatch. Put a medium sized sauce pan on the stove. Turn the heat to a medium/low setting. Make sure you've got the correct burner. Glom a one inch thick chunk of the butter into the pan. Put the balance of the butter aside for later. Open a bottle of beer and take a large swig, all the while watching the pan for signs of melting butter. Feel free to repeat this step as needed throughout the process. When the butter begins to melt, throw in the hot dog, the onion, the green pepper and the celery. Stir with a wooden spoon until the onions are translucent. Add the can of beans. From here on you have to stir it frequently or it will stick to the bottom. Add a large spoonful of brown sugar, stir in. If this starts to bubble turn the heat down. Add a large glop of chili sauce, stir. Add a spoonful of mustard, stir. Add two or three liberal squirts of worchestershire sauce, stir again. Add a few drops of tabasco sauce (or not). When the whole mess is the right temperature for you, take the beer, the bread and butter and the pan of beans to wherever your tv is ready for action and just pig out. Remember to do justice to the balance of the beer.

I guess I should mention that you've been out of points for awhile now. But, you truly do not care. You have glimpsed nirvana.

May there be harmony
and balance in your life,
and may Green Piece let you be.