Cook Heavy, eat lite.
Tin Can Cuisine
Above Average Cooking for Those Who Can’t
Easy
Tasty
Satisfying
than which it gets no better.
Before gathering your ingredients make a generous pitcher of vodka martinis, shaken not stirred. If your vodka bottle bears one of the following names, Teton Glacier, Luksusowa, Blue Ice, Chopin, Monopolowa, Pole Star, Rimanto, VikingFjord, both your beverage and your entree will be potato based.
So what! SO WHAT? Listen here buddy. To achieve above average karma we strive for above average harmony in all things. Got it?
You are about to concoct:
Mick’s Irish Famine Buster.
Okay, have a martini. Check to be sure the kids will be home for dinner. Time the project around any must-see events like the football game and start getting your shit together. You will need the following:
- One large baking potato for each person you expect to feed
- One pound of lean ground beef for every three to four people you expect to feed
- One medium yellow onion for each pound of ground beef
- One green pepper for each pound of ground beef
- One Tin Can of Campbell’s cream of mushroom soup for each pound of ground beef-
- Some real butter
- Worcestershire sauce
- Ground Black Pepper (You won’t need salt. This has a lot of flavor.)
With the exception of the pepper all of this should be in the fridge. Look in the meat tray right under the freezer. Okay, look in the freezer. Now, look in the drawers at the bottom of the fridge. If any of these items is not in your fridge write yourself two notes: 1. Run to the store at half time. There will still be time to do the honors. 2. Complain bitterly to above average wife when she gets back. Appeal to her potential loss of above average status.
Okay let’s begin. Double-check the list of ingredients. Have everything? Good. First of all calm yourself. You can do this during time outs and commercial breaks. There is plenty of time.
(1) Scrub the potatoes. You’ll need cold water and a vegetable brush (Small drawer to the right of the sink).
(2) Using a fork poke a bunch of holes in the potato skin. This helps it cook.
(3) Put the potatoes in the oven... GET AWAY FROM THAT MICROWAVE! We want these potatoes edible. Put the potatoes in the real oven, set the temperature to 350 degrees and the timer to one hour and thirty minutes. What? I don’t know. They’re all different. Pretend you’re looking under the hood of your car and try things until something works. Do I have to do everything for you?
(4) Ignore until the timer goes off.
(5) Take the ground beef out of the fridge. Put it somewhere to begin defrosting, somewhere away from the dog, cat, hamster. Oh? You don’t believe hamsters eat meat? Well, while you get on with number 6 I’ll tell you a story.
(6) Take the onion, the green pepper, a sharp knife, a cutting board and the martinis to wherever you are watching the game. You have finally discovered a use for the better than average wife’s expensive coffee table. Don’t blow it. While you chop the vegetables medium fine I will tell you the story.
Long ago in a galaxy... Oops wrong story.
Many years ago during a summer between old college tries I worked as floor clerk at a G. C. Murphy’s five and dime store. Murphy’s was sort of like a compact K-Mart. Five and ten cents were actual prices of things.
I was put in charge of several departments including pets, which consisted of hamsters, guinea pigs, parakeets, African finches and a very large very dirty tank of gold fish. One of my goals was to turn that tank into an attractive environment, one from which any customer might want a (live) fish. I began cleaning the tank several times a day. This included removing the carcasses of expired fish. Having no way to provide them with a Christian burial I decided to save expenses by feeding them to the hamsters. It worked. Within two days the bloodthirsty little bozos were standing in line as soon as I opened the fish tank. As I dropped each gold fish the hamsters would attack it and each other with gusto. One little female was especially adept at getting her share plus someone else’s.
As you may be aware hamsters and guinea pigs were kept in fair sized plastic tubs with perforated stainless steel lids. The holes were about ¼ inch in diameter.
One afternoon a little boy of about five, apparently motherless, came wandering through my department poking his nose and fingers into everything. You guessed it. He let out a blood-curdling shriek. His mother appeared as if by magic and between them they left a trail of blood all the way to the manager’s office.
Well Murphy’s avoided suit and I avoided unemployment but the hamster colony had to be quarantined and my liberal education was broadened yet again.
Hungry yet?
Good. The game should be over about the same time that the potatoes are done so let’s go to number seven.
(7) Back in the kitchen put a medium-large sized skillet (preferably black iron) on a burner at medium/low heat. Add a one inch square chunk of butter. Let it start to melt.
(8) Pitch in the veggies. Stir them around and keep an eye on them until the onions start to look a tiny bit transparent.
(9) Drop in the ground beef (unwrapped please). Splash on some Worcestershire sauce. With a spatula, break up the meat as it cooks and stir into the veggies.
(10) When the meat is brown add the can of soup. Stir. Let simmer while you prep the potatoes.
(11) Open the potatoes, each on its own plate. Mash up the insides with a fork. Add butter and pepper. Load up with meat sauce and serve.
Have the rest of the martinis with dinner and don’t wait for the compliments. Even the teenagers will be speechless.
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